Three in Tennessee testing

I find myself continually amazed by the prevailing attitudes regarding adoption. The Chicago Tribune’s Ask Amy column by Amy Dickinson is yet another perfect example of what I mean.

Here's a portion of the question posed to her:

"Dear Amy: My brother-in-law and his wife are adopting a child from another country. The couple has created a Web site about the impending arrival of their child. They are planning a baby shower.

”…the couple also has requested financial donations from friends and family, including setting up a PayPal account to expedite these donations. We are aware of the costs associated with an international adoption, but such donations to finance it seem something of an affront to us… As the parents of two children, we understand how much it costs to feed, clothe and educate a child. How can we relate this to them without squelching their excitement about the adoption?

-- A Concerned Relative"

...and some of Amy's insightful reply:

"Dear Concerned: Your husband should have a discreet conversation with his brother that can start something along the lines: "I'm worried that you and Sandy can't afford this adoption. Is everything OK?"

"As you point out, one problem with this is that the expenses of child-rearing only begin once the child is brought home. If a couple can't finance the mechanics of having a child (whether through the high cost of fertility treatments or of overseas adoptions), then perhaps they should wait for the blessed event until they are more financially secure. Domestic adoptions can be far less expensive…

"Raising money in this fashion is a step way above and beyond gathering gifts (financial and otherwise) through a baby shower. Either this couple is very hard up for money or they feel entitled to use their child's adoption as a way to raise funds…”

I can't help but wonder how differently the advice may sound if a young woman found herself unable to finance the "mechanics" of abortion.

Amy's answer does not consider the following:

• Many agencies require or encourage fundraising by the adoptive family.
• A prerequisite of eligibility for many private grants and other sources of financial assistance is proof that adoptive families are actively fundraising.
• Insurance benefits cover the medical expenses associated with childbirth. They do not cover the expenses of adoption.
• After the adopted child is placed, they are covered by the adoptive family’s insurance.
• While domestic adoption is often less expensive than international, the wait-time to adopt an infant is often significantly higher.

I am appalled that Amy would assume adoptive families to be chomping at the bit to use the occasion to drum up money. I am unaware of any research supporting the notion that adoptive families show a propensity to invite family and friends into a pyramid scheme or other financial scam. Please don’t lump adoption in with likes of these. If you don’t find it a worthy cause, don’t contribute. But do not question the validity of the cause on such shaky ground.

On a personal note, Teri and I are torn regarding how we will handle the issue of fundraising. I completely understand the concerns presented by the family in the column, and appreciate that they are seeking knowledge on the subject. My problem is with the lack of discernment readily offered by individuals perceived to “know.”

If you have a spare moment, be sure to Ask Amy why she would venture an "expert answer" on a topic about which she has such limited understanding.

My advice: ask us about your concerns. We welcome the dialogue and cherish the process.

And with that, I will choose to hold my tongue.